A couple years ago, blogging was my means of escape into a portal of writing. I found comfort in spilling my thoughts – however random, whimsical or dark they were – and didn’t seem to care if my words were read by people I knew or complete strangers. And that was because I was blogging for myself.
But over the last year or so, I haven’t been able to be completely honest with my blog. Whenever I start a new post, I’m reminded that I’m displaying my writing, personality and thoughts in front of an audience – some of which I know and don’t. I’m totally okay having my blog read by strangers, but it’s the ones who know me whom I feel slightly guarded against.
So the truth is that I’m afraid of being judged. And lots of what I have to say might put me in a very different light from the girl I often appear to be.
For starters, I think misery breeds good poetry. As morbid as it sounds, it’s actually true for me. When I’m down, I’m inspired to write my heart out to unleash some of the pain. And of course I worry about these things being read by people I know – so I clam up. I don’t publish these things at all, for the fear of having people know the demons I face on a daily basis. Everyone has demons of their own. Like my friend noted wisely, we’re all facing different demons, but undergoing the same hell.
Bottom line is – no one is perfect. And maybe I’ve been trying to keep this blog alive by trying to focus on the good stuff that’s going on. While it’s great to focus on the positive, I realized I’ve been neglecting some of the real, raw stuff that never had a chance to surface here because I’d been too shy to share.
I still think it’s important to keep a certain amount of privacy here because hey, this is the internet after all and we know we shouldn’t disclose everything about ourselves on here. Sometimes, being private is the best choice. But I also want to find more freedom and comfort in expressing my thoughts without clamming up all the time. I want to remember why I fell in love with blogging in the first place. I want to be real with writing.
And today is the start of that. 🙂
PS: If you can relate to this, I’d be really glad to hear your thoughts! Happy weekend, peeps!